Thursday, February 2, 2012
Right this very second I can hear Simon talking. That means he's awake from his nap, unless of course he's just babbling in his sleep.
Nope. He's awake. I was sort of counting on a 2-hour nap and fantasizing about the long shot that he might go for 3 hours. He's actually never done a 3-hour nap, but everyday it crosses my mind that he might.
Apparently not today.
I also toy everyday with the idea that he might fall back asleep, which is not something he has ever done. Still, I have dreams. Most of my big dreams involve my children sleeping past 6:00 a.m. and taking long naps. Is it any wonder I am a bit frustrated when my dreams are thwarted every morning and with every nap? That's 5 thwarts everyday for those of you counting.
Maybe it's time to let it go. I have been chasing sleep for so long that I don't really remember what it's like to just roll with however much sleep I get (or don't get) and fixate on something else.
(Simon is still down there talking, but it's getting quieter. Might he be getting drowsy and going for double dip of nap?)
Since Simon's first birthday, I have been noticing the ways in which we are not operating in emergency survival mode. One day I found myself cleaning out and washing the diaper bag, which no more would have occurred to me three months ago (or three weeks ago) than applying to run the NASA program. And the diaper bag wasn't neglected because it didn't need some TLC-- for God's sakes, that thing is how I tote around dirty diapers when I can't dispose of them in public.
And it's not just me. Jeff rearranged and greatly upgraded our spice rack. Let's just say spice feng shui is not the task of a weary, end-of-the-rope family. In some sense we have arrived to a new place, where free time is not just a blessed moment to shut my eyes. Sometimes I read a book. Sometimes I return a phone call. Sometimes I listen to voicemail. (Just kidding; I never listen to voicemail.) With more time comes more responsibility and I wonder how to use it wisely-- for myself, for my family, and sometimes I think about using my time best for the world. I definitely need about 7.5 hours of sleep on a consistent basis to ask questions bigger than "who crapped on my favorite pillow?" The bigger life questions only come into focus when I can actually get enough sleep to focus beyond my nose and the killer headache that accompanies fatigue.
(Simon has been quiet for about 10 minutes. Could he have really gone back to sleep for the first time in his life at 368 days old?)
In the meantime, I will do one of the 300 tasks that are staring me in the face and assume that it's good for the world for me to take care of myself and my family. And as much as I wish it would, that laundry isn't washing itself.