Mistakes Were Made

(Can you tell I am reading Franzen's Freedom right now?)

So, today I did a little perusing on the Babycenter website message boards for the February 2011 babies. Why? I guess I couldn't find a working stapler to jab into my eyeball, because that would have been gentler. Those messages boards really mess me up. First, I get upset because it turns out "lots of women" (on the board) are between 34-36 weeks walking around more dilated than I am (3 and 4 centimeters!!!) and some are effaced as well. People are losing their mucus plugs. Now, instead of being thrilled about my own 1 cm progress, it feels piddly in comparison.

So, that's bad.

Then, I read about the people who have already had their February 2011 babies super early and the stories are a mix of tragic and euphoric and that's just a roller coaster I don't need here at 37+ weeks as I sit and wait for some power people at work to determine whether or not we are doing a trial next week. Let me just say, by way of a side note, that working past 38 weeks is challenging for a host of reasons, including fatigue, difficulty concentrating, sheer girth, and shortness of breath. But to add a trial/arbitration on top of that with all the stresses of witness prep, evidentiary questions and longer hours, well that's just a recipe for me to lose my shit. Pretty sure that will happen if this case doesn't settle soon. Actually, I was fine with the schedule and work load until someone flew the settlement flag and it got me thinking about having an easier time over the weekend and also getting Monday off for MLK Day and I got greedy. I started planning a movie date with Jeff after our OB appointment. I started thinking about the extra squats I could do if I had a 3-day weekend instead of witness prep and trial research to do all day Monday.

Don't tempt me with talk of settling a case, which would allow me to forego all the work that's ahead of me. That's just cruel. And, pregnant or not, I have never been the type to do well with uncertainty with my scheduling. It's actually a bit of a flaw of mine because it makes it impossible to be spontaneous or appreciate a certain "go with the flowness" that is part of life. But, I am 37 and I can't do it.

I also caught wind of some perhaps mythical ways to help the body go into labor (while on the message board). My doula even recommended something called Evening Primrose to be taking orally or vaginally. I have no idea what it is and no idea how one would insert that vaginally, but I am going to ask the doctor on Monday all about it. If it helps me get through labor more quickly so I can meet my son, I'll try it. Caster oil is not going to happen; I refuse. But Evening Primrose oil sounds pretty innocuous and feminine sounding.

Next time, however, that I find myself sitting around waiting to hear about whether I have to keep grinding away at work or whether I can "put my pencil down," I am going to get a stapler and hit myself in the head with it, which will hopefully distract me from the stupid babycenter sight.