Ahem.

Everyone has parenting advice, right? Sleeping, eating and discipline advice. Also there is advice about schooling and activities and moral development. On the one hand, this is all fertile ground for conversation when meeting new people who also have children. On the other hand, I wish someone would tell me something truly relevant.

Such as?

How about warning me that my children's worst smelling diapers and foulest GI issues will commence as soon as Jeff goes out of town? I could have used a head's up on that one.

How about telling me that every single snack I will ever fix for my 2 year old will end up on the floor, no matter how much money I spend on "snack traps" from Amazon.com? (Snack trap my ass. Sadie reached in the second I handed her the alleged traps and took the top off threw it on the floor (along with the rest of her snacks)).

Could someone have mentioned that kids don't like to wear their coats? Remember, I am not from around here. No one cared if I didn't wear my coat when I was a kid because I grew up in Texas, where crazy shit goes down all the time, but the temperature has the decency to remain well above freezing all "winter" long. Do I need to beg you for tips on how to deal with a distraught toddler whose hands are frostbitten, yet she refuses to wear her coat?

What about a little reminder that once a child knows how to say "mama," she or he might stand next to you and scream it at the top of her vocal range 1,000 times a minute, just because she knows it annoys you? What the hell are you supposed to do with that? What does the venerable Dr. Sears say about that? Hell, if co-sleeping will put an end to that, I say, "Jump in my bed, kiddos."

And, that was sort of uncool of the veterans around me not to mention that I would be unable to have a conversation with another adult while my 2 year old is in the room, unless the conversation revolves around the child? I have grown weary of watching Sadie fling herself off a high stool or bang her head on the table, the minute I engage in conversation with anyone who is not Sadie. I am bitter, but I would accept some tips on how to talk to Sabrina about Simon's nap schedule or discuss dinner plans with Jeff without Sadie having to concuss herself in the process? It sure is hard to convince myself we are such amazing, enlightened, loving parents when we have to buy Sadie a helmet to discuss the news of the day.

She looks so innocent.

She looks so demure.

DO NOT BUY IT. This little girl has an emotional intelligence so far beyond me that I probably deserve to be played like her little bejeweled princess fiddle. She probably has emotional intelligence beyond you too. You may think you have the upper hand, but before you know it, you will be living in Sadieland where you have to read the same Dora books over and over and over and you have to give her a bite of whatever you are eating (even if you are making meatballs with raw ground turkey) and you have to give her your heart, because she will accept nothing less.

Could I be more proud?